i want to fight.
i want to roar and scream and thrash out at everything I've seen, let fly at all I've not.
I want to loose this rage in my heart, anger in my veins, anxiety in my head. I want to let loose and fly above the world to drop down all my hate in one massive explosion.
I want to burn.

so many ups and downs in the past couple weeks. so much and yet so little...

the incident with hannah has left me at another uncomfortable position. i want to be able to let what happened slide, but i don't know that i can...i feel like either way it doesn't matter. it sounds more and more like i'm not a part of her life anymore, or at least that she's working to make it so, so why fight it?

because fuck you, that's why.

an amazing day, despite being a bit under the weather...

woke up and headed for coolidge to meet up with jess. also there was kyler, lauren (!) and chelsea. we got food, which was wonderful, then went back to larn's apartment and kicked around playing super mario world. an excellent time. after this i went back to campus and sped through my homework for public art, then took a train to MIT for our final practice before this weekend's show. thankfully, despite the sickness, my voice still seems to work, sorta, so the show should go just fine on our end. sam is worried that she might still not be ready, but i think she'll do great. been amazing so far...just hope alex isn't still intent on doing backup vox. that's hard to do while playing those guitar parts...

today's the big day. just hope i can get to work on time....

the show's so close. even deven's excited. this shit better rock.

on that note, real fast, we've finished a new song, tentatively called "cozy blanky" and it's fast becoming everyone's favourite. as fun as it is, it's goddamn exhausting to sing, but as sam pointed out, that's the best kind of song, isn't it....

this shit better rock...

First off...the Ring of Honor show was SPECTACULAR. so much fun. does dishearten my wrestling dreams quite a bit, though, as I'll have to gain at least 30/40 pounds if i want to even attempt it. lotta work ahead of me....

yesterday was a very lethargic kind of day. not sure why, but i wasn't the only one apparently. i feel like something's missing, but i dunno what....

had a very odd dream...i can't remember much of it, and what i can is too broken to try and post. suffice it to say i was puzzled.

i'm deeply annoyed...on the walk to school i had a thought for something to write here...now i've forgotten it....

couldn't sleep last night, then woke up early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. then ate breffast at school. all in all, i feel blah.

one class. tonight's the Ring of Honor show. i'm looking forward to it...just hope we can get the signs made in time....

fuck...wish i could remember what i was gonna write about....guess writer's block is the topic of the day...balls

shitfaced cuntmonkey. 's my phrase of the day.

just had a student introduce herself to me...very odd. i wonder what her intention is...regardless, she lives here, so i'll see her around.... puzzling...

watching Tokyo Zombie at work. Takes a long time to get through a movie here....

the script so far is coming along well. the logline and character history are due monday. i'm more or less ready. the logline's gonna be a bitch, though...

i need to kick this habit i have. this habit of hating and being so easily annoyed by self-confidence and egotism. my main weakness seems to be such people and my behaviour around them. someday i'll change...

and someday i'll find happiness. and a box of peanuts.

not very likely...

counting down the minutes to my feature film class with Dreyfuss, an awesome guy whose resemblance to Christopher Meloni is a bit startling. i've sort of got my pitch worked out, but no matter how i tell it, it sounds silly. suppose, in the long run, that's what i'm going for, but it's still gonna be tough. Working title at the moment: Claw to the Top.

i find myself easily annoyed by people. a common problem i've had for some time, but i feel like it's makin me lose friends like car keys. and to an extent it doesn't bother me, but at the same time does. need to calm down. back off. feelin really wound tight...

what else to talk about....so far i'm faring alright without internet. but i'm spending far too much time with the same people. which isn't bad, but i'm missing out on other people. need to start getting out more. gotta police myself, i'm slipping into old habits..

i'm faced with rather a dangerous dilemma. monday my pitch for my writing the feature film is due. i got nothin. not a damn clue what i can write about. talk about block. i really can't think of a damn thing. maybe i'll try that thing where you look at a random picture and come up with a story for it...

no sooner do i get back than i become more an asshole than usual. i need to stop that shit... but i've been having trouble...no excuse for that.

been making a lot of mistakes since i got back, one bit me in the ass today. it seems like everything i was looking forward to has blown up in my face one way or another. so as a result i seem to be slipping back into that little pocket of depression i seem to keep getting stuck in. gotta get out fast...

what to say....

i don't feel like reflecting and i don't feel like just expositating, whatever that is.

i saw the woman i call TOM today, and i must confess that wonderfully awkward feeling of extreme sexual passion mixed with overwhealming drops in self-confidence made yet another happy parade through my body. i'd hate to have to interact with that woman...i'd be a wreck. it's no fun being a slave to my dick. but damn....

i'm so worn out. exhausted. i feel like i've been at the c-store all week. the hours have just melted together. i need to start getting into shit...

i feel like i should say something profound. fuck that.

a week gone by and here i am. in the c-store.

arrived into town on time. the move went smoothly. it was after all the moving ended that i committed what may or may not have been a mistake. no way of knowing for sure. lately my attitude toward sex has been largely indifferent. i still seem to enjoy it a great deal, but after i just find myself listless and regretting what i've done. i'm just sick of having to worry about what comes after, all the expectations. every time i think about it i just want to quit everything. i get more and more depressed the more i think about it. better stop...

the lady that was in my apt held over, so i had two extra days of couch hopping before i could move in. stayed at megan's one night, then back at emily's the next. slept on the floor two days, then all the furniture arrived.

now tom's here, everything's moved in, settled in. we're debating if we're gonna get internet. gonna go a bit without and see if we can manage.

i have a feeling i'll be updating a lot less these days. i'll try and keep it up as often as possible.

whatta day...

woke up around noon, which felt nice after a week of early risings for work. after breakfast i set to packing. filled up the chest of drawers with clothing first, then rooted around the room for other things. whilst browsing my old video games, i decided to make a trip to gamestop to see if i couldn't get some money towards microsoft points for my xbox. when i got there, though, i was reminded why i stopped trading in games to them. they'd only accept one of my games, and that one would've netted me a whopping 2 dollars. fuck that noize.

then, though, i went bowling with my father. and i'm delighted to say actually beat him! i'm starting to find my stroke. gimme a year or so and i should be a little better.

after that we ate dinner, played cards, and watched Top Gear. now i'm finalizing my packing before sack time.

i'll be without my computer for a few days (till the 6th, to be exact) so i most likely won't update. i've got a lot to do in the meantime, though...

between talking to tattoo parlours about price and banging down Kaiju's door, as well as trying to sweet-talk the garment district, i should be able to keep myself busy this next week.

i should probably write a retrospective on the summer, but i've kept a journal for nearly every day, so i don't see much point. maybe when i've had a chance to reflect.

i will say this: this was, on the whole, a FAR better summer than last year. not as exciting i'll grant you, but also not as damaging and painful.

let's have a friendly little bet.

how far into this pack of cigarettes will i go before i get rid of them? hopefully there'll still be plenty for Tom...

in a sudden rush of positive emotion, i'm actually on the verge of being willing to forgive the friend i mentioned the other day. i think i can actually do it. i'm also going to apologize to another person that i need to apologize to. in fact, hell, soon as i'm back i'm gonna start tying up loose ends. i hate guilt.

while washing dishes today i had a thought...

i recently spotted a newspaper headline that said something to the affect that it was probable that michael jackson was in fact murdered. this headline filled me with a mild feeling of disgust, wondering why they couldn't just leave this alone. granted his death is the first good press the man's gotten in years, but does this have to be another anna nicole smith episode? most likely it will, but that's not the thought i had at work.

i read on a bit, and it turns out michael's personal doctor is suspected to have murdered him by administering too many drugs. something like that. i don't know the details, so i don't claim to know anything, but here's my question: could this have been less a murder and more a mercy killing? even if you didn't respect the man that was michael jackson, you can't ignore what he'd become in the years leading up to his death. a joke, a quip, a wreck. he'd taken an amazing career and an amazing life and completely morphed it beyond recognition and, hey, that's his right. but what if this doctor liked mike. what if he felt terrible for the man every day he checked up on him, saw him aging, glimpsed into his mind and manner, saw the world simply laughing at this man of immense talent, and decided that this horrible spiral needed to end? it's not his choice to make, but what if....

that's more than likely not true. it's possible mike felt that way, though, and instructed his doctor. or maybe his doctor went mad a little, thought he was doing a great service. or maybe he didn't kill him. maybe it was an accident. point that needs to be said, and that i've completely contradicted by dwelling on it this long, is who cares? the man's dead. he died two months ago. you've done enough television tributes, enough magazine covers. let's just enjoy what he gave us while he was alive, the music, the shows, and the weirdness, and let's just move on. sick of this glorifying the deaths of pop icons. i don't even like jackson's work that much. i respect his dance and vocal abilities, but i don't really listen to his music. whatever. man's dead. didn't care before he died, didn't even notice when he did.

moving on....

i noticed with a sense of horror this morning that i may have lost weight. not much, about 5 pounds. but that's only if my parent's scale is correct. this is the exact opposite of what my training was supposed to do...i was hoping to gain weight in the form of muscle, something i've never really had. now i find myself looking the same, but apparently lighter. shit...

worked a 2 and a half hour shift today. balls....i'm scheduled to do the same the next two days, then a 3 hour shift friday and saturday. gonna be a disappointing paycheck....

my return to boston is starting to get closer and i still haven't managed to get much done. need to do something with my mother's film before too much longer. can't put that off any more. but i'm just so tired....

i've been dreaming a lot lately. i've had dreams that actually do reflect my subconcious desire, dreams that don't, and dreams that just suprize and confuse me. last night was an interesting one...i was back in boston, but it was the 4th and i still hadn't gone to get my keys; i still hadn't moved into my new apartment. i panicked over this. i guess i'd spent so much time doing things with people, all the things i want to take care of when i get back, that i never went to get my keys. this troubled me greatly, as i was now rendered homeless...

the other aspect of the dream was one i've become familiar with. for some reason i was aroused, i think in this case i had been pleasuring myself, but was forced to stop before climax. i then spent a vast amount of time trying to get a chance to finish what i'd started. it's a odd way to spend a dream: waiting to get to masturbate. i've had a lot of dreams that do that to me, sometimes involving a sexual partner...i imagine it's trying to tell me something...can't quite put my finger on it.

both of these dreams do have a theme, though. the first one shows my fear of being powerless and my fear of letting my forgetfulness get the better of me. the second, well among other things my sexual needs. am i neglecting them? or am i giving them too much attention? hard to say either way.

today was a day of annoyance. barely woke up, ate, and got ready for work, only to find my father had forgotten to pick me up. got to work later than i'd like. nothing bad came of it, just annoyed me. work was no fun, partially because of the mood i was in. i've been stuck in this rather upset, listless mood all day. i was hoping my xbox would bring me some level of relief, and for a while it was...then it started acting weird. now i can't play a game for more than 3 minutes without the picture getting screwy. dunno if it's the system itself, the game, or something else. regardless...not so great.

got 8 days of work left. damn...next paycheck isn't gonna be great, but it'll be something. trouble is i won't be in town to pick it up ^^;

still not getting anything done. did get to talk to Tom, though. that was fun. and alex. good times.

went shopping at Michael's today. got two great fabric markers, a Three Stooges iron-on transfer, and two different kinds of fabric spray paint. i am officially in the clothing design business.


hah.



my father pointed out to me tonight that he and i seem to be getting consistently worse at bowling every week. next wednesday is our last weekly bowling night together. gotta make it count.

speaking of bowling, i had one amazing frame. the night was bad, as i said, but the second frame of the second game was magical. my first ball knocked over everything but the 7 pin, a common story of the evening (i never got a strike once. few spares, but never managed to hit them all). i'd lost all confidence in my control that evening, but i went for it anyways. as i expected, or perhaps because i expected, i overshot the mark and the ball careened for the gutter. it went in the gutter. then it jumped out and headed straight for the 7, taking it out and making it one of the few frames i closed. the best way to describe the ball's movement was like a dive-tackle. just hurled itself out of the gutter and slammed into the pin. amazing...

got to work today to find one of my co-workers had been arrested. covered his shift, got home later than expected. didn't change anything.

i did manage to get two tips today, though, astoundingly. one from an incredibly nice lady who wanted a rather unique salad, and was quite happy with how i made it. the other from stratford for delivering their food. made 7 bucks. also put my check in the bank. i'm still not doing well financially. but i'm better than i was, that's for certain. still worried about being able to afford the tattoo, though...

i've drawn out my tattoo ideas to an almost acceptable state. i'll do some fine tuning before i get back to boston. i really want to go to Fat Ram's. the only reason i wouldn't go there is money. if they quote a price i can't make, then i'll go elsewhere, sadly. i really like the look of Ram's. We'll see what happens...

no updates lately because nothing much to update. i work all this week, though every day is just through rush, so it won't be too bad. just two weeks left here. two weeks.



where'd it all go? i don't really remember a vacation. just a lot of stress. seems like i can't let myself relax. gotta work on that...

the whole "early to bed, early to rise thing" was a great concept in theory. they didn't mention how early the rising would end up being, though.....

i've got 8 hours before i need to be awake and i can't get back to sleep. how much longer am i gonna keep fucking up my sleep cycle? -.-